Guess whose coming to dinner? I remember when I first saw that movie with Sydney Pointer many years ago about a black man showing up to dinner with his white girlfriend during a very tender time of racism. Grief is kinda of like that, it comes unannounced and shows up to dinner when we are not ready to sit with it. I wonder if we are ever ready to sit with it? It is like the friend you don't really like but you tolerate because it so persistent and refuses to leave. No one likes grief. It comes and steals your joy, at least that's what it feels like initially, you feel robbed as if the greatest treasure you held was taken without consent.
My continued season with grief leaves me feeling a myriad of passing emotions, some stay longer than others depending on what they are trying to reveal to me. Others simply show up for me to have a good hard cry. I wish I could make you understand the feeling and energy of grief, in its rawest sense, it is like sandpaper being caressed along your skin, so uncomfortable and unbearable yet bear it we must. There are moments you will want to only stay in your bed and pull the wool over your eyes. Other times you simply want to die, there's no soft way to say that. We underestimate the explosive effect that grief can have on us on a soul and physical level, it levels us out to a ground zero state. We now have to relearn how to be in this new environment of living life without our beloved next to us.
It has only been 4 months since my induction once again into the Hall of Grief, I am no stranger to these halls. They know my name well, I am frequent visitor it seems. One would thing I would have gotten use to it space by now but no, each experience of grief is different and holds a different energy and vibe. This time grief and I are doing a different dance, its an Argentine tango filled with intensity, heat, emotions, raw anger, and what feels like betrayal. We were left behind to suffer the lost. This dance ebbs and flows just like the tango with wild turns and heels kicked up in offense.
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